well I can't set my house on fire every night
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I love you.
Bad choice
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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