these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
