I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
