I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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