His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
