I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
