What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
