i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
