there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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