he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
