i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
