I don't usually arrange sex via text message
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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