Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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