im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
