you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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