Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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