3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
