you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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