a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
