I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
