i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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