walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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