I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize