everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
