Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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