ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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