I can tuck mytits in my pants
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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