Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
