i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
