just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i already hear my dad disowning me
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
