I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
