final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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