I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
