I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Randomize
