That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
