i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
All the doctor said was why
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
