Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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