I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
