break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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