i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
