Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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