the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
