first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
