she woke up with a sticky ear
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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