I'm gonna have a badass scar
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
