not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
