I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Drunk walkin through police station. America
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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