can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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