a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
