Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
