I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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