I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
