There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
