Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
