Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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