I met the friendliest cop last night
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
