ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
