if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize